So often I am told on the subject of infidelities, hurts and disappointments between couples and then asked whether the offenders should be given another chance.
I think the question is often asked considering that offender has felt a few remorse for the misdeed and they, both in the couple, are hoping that this will do to get them back to normal. The question is also generally asked following a statement in the injured party confirming a consistent love for the person inspite of what they have done.
What really needs to happen in these instances is that each party uses some time to try and figure out how come the behaviour happened in the beginning. Was it because a lot of need was not being found or that there is actually a good mismatch in the things that all party holds valuable regarding themselves, their spouses and their marriage.
What often ends up taking effect is that this couple realizes themselves in exactly the same set as the previous relationship because of this once again the offender strays from the marriage to attempt to find what is still missing from their lives in the arms in someone else.
From my experience a typical scenario goes this way. The person who has more invested in the relationship will accept the others apology welcoming them back into the partnership without any requirement.
Sadly, while things might be good for a period, what most often happens is that the person will likely upset again as nothing has really been learned or simply really has changed. Generally there may not even have been any real conversation about what appeared let alone why it happened.
That sad thing is the fact that remorse in and from itself is rarely plenty of to change a person’s behaviour. The reason is if the underlying need and belief hasn’t changed then an behaviour may not either.
Well then, i’ll see if I can make that clearer.
Of course this course of discovery would be greater done prior to entering into the relationship in the first place. And this is the place preparation for marriage therapy is most valuable; simply ensuring your compatibility prior to announcing “I do! “.
And here’s another prevalent scenario. There has been an infidelity and the relationship has separated completely with the couple breaking up. The person who committed any indiscretion now feels free to enter into a relationship with the party with whom they had the affair who it’s good to know takes the person in believing most likely that all manner of wrongs from the other’s partner is the reason for the infidelity.
So the manner forward is firstly to communicate with each other openly and honestly about what is going concerning for each of them. They also will need to discuss what they come to feel and think about their relationship and their part for it. Finally, and maybe this kind of needs the assistance of a couples therapist, they need to share with oneself what is really important to each of them about being in a relationship and to discover whether there’s a simple match in those principles.
These never even contemplate that issue may actually have been along with the offender and that likely practically nothing was actually learned to ensure that the person would not digress for a second time.
If there is a match then the likelihood of them succeeding within the future is reasonably assured. When there is no match then they will need to determine whether they are willing to live with this and the outcomes or whether they can rescue themselves and each other loads of heartache by acknowledging those differences and separating with each other immediately.